i jhust puked up my retainher.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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