from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
