My room smells like vodka and shame
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Did I show you my penis last night?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
