at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
