hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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