I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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