i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
