I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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