matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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