Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
