Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
