When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
