There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
