I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
