Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
