I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
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