Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
