im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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