I haven't been this sober since birth.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
