I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
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