Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
