After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
