the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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