i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
All the doctor said was why
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
