the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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