I am spending my child support on dildos
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
