What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
