Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
