She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
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Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
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Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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