This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
