I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Randomize
