the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
