You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
