is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
