I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
