I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
we made out on top of his cat.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
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