Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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