I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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