enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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