he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
