did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
