I can text with my tongue
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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