We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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