they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
