Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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