So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
