I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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