happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Randomize
