New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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