and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
