Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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