Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
they need to just BURY HIM!
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
