Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
