I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she looked like the before picture.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
