I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
