I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
