I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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